New Year, New City, New Me

The time has come, it's now 2020 and I moved to the Oklahoma City area to start graduate school. I am equally excited and nervous about starting life in a new city. I've already done it 2 times in the past decade, however, so I am not sure why I am so nervous.

I moved to Arkansas for college for the sole purpose of starting over fresh and not knowing the soul. For some reason, it felt more exciting. Maybe because at the time I was a young, eager 18 year old about to embark on this "college experience" in a small college town. I still have the same feelings of uncertainties and worries of living in a new city. However, I am lucky that the area I live in is rather metropolitan instead of rural.

The nerves are probably stemming from the fact that I am moved here and will be living here for the next two years for graduate school--a thought that still scares me because I still have no idea what I will do after, let alone if this is the right choice. I'm also scared because I am afraid that I'll be lonely. For me, it feels like as I've gotten older it's harder to make friends casually. I should probably get a hobby, or something.

However, I am glad that I am in an apartment instead of a musty, old, shoe box dorm. I am in my very own apartment--well, student apartment, but it still counts. I will have to post pictures once I get everything settled, after all I've only been here two days.

Right now, I am job hunting for a graduate assitanship and I've applied for two, and classes start today. AM I NERVOUS OR WHAT?

Nobody likes you when you're 23...

So I've heard anyways.

I had a very low-key birthday this weekend. For one thing, I moved to a new city not knowing a soul, so there are no friends in that department and I wasn't willing to drive all the way to my parent's house.

I ventured out in the city and went to Trader Joe's, in which, the parking was insane. I think I circled the lot 5 times before stealing someone's parking spot that they were waiting for. I wasted an hour of my life, only to find out that what I was looking for (the midsummer's night cream) wasn't even in stock. After, I went toward the boujee place near Lake Hefner where rich people golf and go sailing. I took a book and my journal and spend the afternoon (the windy afternoon) by the lake.

When I woke up this morning, I felt no different than I did from yesterday. Maybe this is what they mean when they say age is just a number. If anything, I think I see more prominent wrinkles on my forehead, which upsets me more than words. Is it terrible to say that even if I was surrounded by friends and family, I wanted to spend the day alone. Being alone sometimes is very therapeutic in a sense of having your own independence. I'm able to have my own thoughts and do things on my own time.

I think as I get older, I don't care so much for birthday cakes, wishes and presents. Is this a sign that you are growing up? Or are people always excited for their birthdays? Maybe I am just growing into an old cynical lady early. If anything, since I am not blowing out any birthday candles tonight, my birthday wish is... wait, can I say it?

2020--New Year

When I first saw this sculpture, I studied the movements and cracks of the hundreds of disfigured bodies that transformed into each other and into different objects becoming something else entirely. Sometimes I feel as if I am constantly turning into different things, or people and personas, and twisting and consistently bending to sometimes suit those around me, or changing myself when I realize I don’t like who I am anymore, which leads to me crack and become a million different people who are incomplete—not knowing if the cracks make me stronger or more vulnerable. I want to take cheap putty and fill these cracks to make myself whole, shiny and new again since I have chipped away pieces of myself for so long trying to create something new. But I’ve come to realize that this power of transformation and renewal in life is what makes up the complexity of the human soul. I have to be okay with the cracks and all of the people I have been in the past and accept that they are a part of me and who I have been. So, I must continue to grow and transform which means I may crack from time to time for my own self actualization in order to become the person I want to be instead of running away from myself when I decide not to like who I am in the moment. 

I can't say I am one of those people who wait all year long in order to start new again--for a fresh start. If someone really wants change, they will change. I think I try to believe in that, but here I am, vowing to change this new year--this new decade, when I could have changed 3 years ago, or 7 months ago. The new decade is kick starting this change, or the change I want. 

When I look in the mirror, I don't like who I see--not in a sense of physical beauty. This is not a situation where I wish I looked different or I don't feel pretty enough--that is another case entirely. This look in the mirror is more of a feeling where I don't like the person I am, who I have become over the past several years that I have not come to terms with. I think I have made very questionable choices for the past decade. At the beginning of the decade I was 12 though--so maybe I should start within the last several years--when I started college. These questionable choices stemmed from me chipping away at myself, molding myself, melting myself down to fit a certain persona--a certain role amongst people. I like to tell myself that I am not a people pleaser, but that sure sounds like I am one. I sometimes make myself feel small around other people in order to make myself feel like I belong. In reality, I should have been just me the entire time. 

I am on the brink of 23. I heard being 23 sucks. No one likes you when you're 23. And yet, here I am about to turn 23, tomorrow. That's the thing about January birthdays, or at least how I feel about them anyways--you get to start fresh with the new year, but also a new you as you turn a year older. Maybe this year, will be my year.