2020--New Year

When I first saw this sculpture, I studied the movements and cracks of the hundreds of disfigured bodies that transformed into each other and into different objects becoming something else entirely. Sometimes I feel as if I am constantly turning into different things, or people and personas, and twisting and consistently bending to sometimes suit those around me, or changing myself when I realize I don’t like who I am anymore, which leads to me crack and become a million different people who are incomplete—not knowing if the cracks make me stronger or more vulnerable. I want to take cheap putty and fill these cracks to make myself whole, shiny and new again since I have chipped away pieces of myself for so long trying to create something new. But I’ve come to realize that this power of transformation and renewal in life is what makes up the complexity of the human soul. I have to be okay with the cracks and all of the people I have been in the past and accept that they are a part of me and who I have been. So, I must continue to grow and transform which means I may crack from time to time for my own self actualization in order to become the person I want to be instead of running away from myself when I decide not to like who I am in the moment. 

I can't say I am one of those people who wait all year long in order to start new again--for a fresh start. If someone really wants change, they will change. I think I try to believe in that, but here I am, vowing to change this new year--this new decade, when I could have changed 3 years ago, or 7 months ago. The new decade is kick starting this change, or the change I want. 

When I look in the mirror, I don't like who I see--not in a sense of physical beauty. This is not a situation where I wish I looked different or I don't feel pretty enough--that is another case entirely. This look in the mirror is more of a feeling where I don't like the person I am, who I have become over the past several years that I have not come to terms with. I think I have made very questionable choices for the past decade. At the beginning of the decade I was 12 though--so maybe I should start within the last several years--when I started college. These questionable choices stemmed from me chipping away at myself, molding myself, melting myself down to fit a certain persona--a certain role amongst people. I like to tell myself that I am not a people pleaser, but that sure sounds like I am one. I sometimes make myself feel small around other people in order to make myself feel like I belong. In reality, I should have been just me the entire time. 

I am on the brink of 23. I heard being 23 sucks. No one likes you when you're 23. And yet, here I am about to turn 23, tomorrow. That's the thing about January birthdays, or at least how I feel about them anyways--you get to start fresh with the new year, but also a new you as you turn a year older. Maybe this year, will be my year.