I don't want to drop out of school. The title is misleading. I want to drop out of my program. My initial thought process when I was choosing a graduate program was that I didn't want to be boxed into one thing. English is great and there are three big camps that fall into it: English literature, Composition and Rhetoric, and Creative Writing (which arguably could be its own entity). I chose neither of the three even though my undergraduate degree is in English. Instead, I chose Liberal Studies because I thought it was giving me the freedom to study what I wanted and what I am interested and I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue a Master's in English.
Now, I am only in week 6 of school--of the program--of the semester--of grad school--who is to say that I am not writing it off too quickly? I think I am, but I think I needed this to realize that my home is back with all the nerds in the English camp. I am so uninterested in my classes, particularly one, and it just doesn't make my heart happy or make me want to learn the way my English classes do. I feel like my skillset is not being utilized in what I am doing right now. I am reading and writing about other civilizations and cultures that I am not interested and this I not what I want to study in the long run. My skillset could be used somewhere else where it is useful and where I can showcase my talent and hone my skills.
How did I realize this? I desperately want to drop my seminar that I am taking. The content bores me, it doesn't challenge me the way I want to be challenged, even though I have an A in the class right now, I am struggling--it takes me so much longer than necessary to do the work that is needed to be done, and frankly, I don't want to do the work. This seminar is a core class needed for my program though, if I drop it, I'll have to take it again in the future, albeit, different (hopefully) content--but even then, I don't want to take a class about Early Civilizations and evaluate Italian art--it is jut not what I want to study--and that's when I realized, I am in the wrong program!
In a way, I am annoyed with myself for giving myself the trouble of having to switch programs. Now I have to go to the advisor of the new program and take to them about it and then go to the graduate school dean and complete paperwork. It's easier in a sense because I am switching programs within my school and it's my first semester (better now than later because that would really screw things up) instead of starting over at a new program at a new school where the credits I am taking now would be worthless. Let me just say this, either way if I switch, I am still going to drop the class.
The plan is now to meet with the advisor for the Composition and Rhetoric program and hopefully all will go well.
Friday, February 21, 2020
Wednesday, February 5, 2020
All's well that ends well
Graduate school, might I say is harder than I expected, in different ways than I thought it was. Now, I never underestimated the work that comes with the daunting phrase "grad school" because I was well aware that the course work was heavy. That being said, the "hard" is different in the way that it's not was I was expecting.
To articulate this thought... I knew there was going to be tons of reading each week for each class, but the articles are so dense that I am reading that I have to read them several times before I can understand what is trying to be said. Another thing, is I know participation is required in every class, but there is so much more that is expected of a graduate student. You have to talk more, you have to be leading class discussions and you have to have an opinion about everything on your subjective feelings or analysis of something--that you may not even care about! I just sometimes am not quick enough on my feet to blurt out everything that I am thinking at the moment--I'll remember or come up with something neat to say when the class is long over.
I feel as if it's my imposter syndrome coming to get me. These tiny thoughts come to creep in my mind, "you don't deserve to be here" or "you were accepted into this program by mistake" and they come on a daily basis at that. However, I have come to the realization or rather--the acceptance that I am not an expert on anything--and that's okay! I feel like there is this higher standard that people put graduate students on--at least that is how I felt as an undergrad with grads in my classes, and I feel the same way now. Like I said, the imposter syndrome. I've narrowed this feeling to the fact that for some reason, it was my belief that once someone has obtained their bachelor's, they should be all knowing, therefore smarter than those who have not earned for their degree. However, this proves not to be true as I am just as lost as I was before. No matter-- because all I can do is try my best, which is what I have been doing thus far in the semester because at the moment I have all A's and we shall try to keep it this way--especially since the ideology of "C's get degrees" does not exist in grad school.
Let's forget about all of these unpleasantries that I brought up. Onto bigger and better news! I am employed now! My birthday wish came true--if anyone--doubtfully has read in a post or two below. I'm a graduate assistant for the office of student engagement. I will say, I wish it was a teaching position, but there were none open in the departments that I am qualified for. Nonetheless, I start next week, and I am so very excited because my boss seems amazing and also, like me, is from Texas--which is something I don't try to advertise anymore.
It's 1158pm and it's "supposed" to snow tomorrow. I, like the rest of the student body, is hoping that campus will be closed tomorrow. I, myself, especially since I have only gotten half way through my readings for my seminar, that I will have to read regardless of class being cancelled as I have to write a 1000 word response. Ah fun.
To articulate this thought... I knew there was going to be tons of reading each week for each class, but the articles are so dense that I am reading that I have to read them several times before I can understand what is trying to be said. Another thing, is I know participation is required in every class, but there is so much more that is expected of a graduate student. You have to talk more, you have to be leading class discussions and you have to have an opinion about everything on your subjective feelings or analysis of something--that you may not even care about! I just sometimes am not quick enough on my feet to blurt out everything that I am thinking at the moment--I'll remember or come up with something neat to say when the class is long over.
I feel as if it's my imposter syndrome coming to get me. These tiny thoughts come to creep in my mind, "you don't deserve to be here" or "you were accepted into this program by mistake" and they come on a daily basis at that. However, I have come to the realization or rather--the acceptance that I am not an expert on anything--and that's okay! I feel like there is this higher standard that people put graduate students on--at least that is how I felt as an undergrad with grads in my classes, and I feel the same way now. Like I said, the imposter syndrome. I've narrowed this feeling to the fact that for some reason, it was my belief that once someone has obtained their bachelor's, they should be all knowing, therefore smarter than those who have not earned for their degree. However, this proves not to be true as I am just as lost as I was before. No matter-- because all I can do is try my best, which is what I have been doing thus far in the semester because at the moment I have all A's and we shall try to keep it this way--especially since the ideology of "C's get degrees" does not exist in grad school.
Let's forget about all of these unpleasantries that I brought up. Onto bigger and better news! I am employed now! My birthday wish came true--if anyone--doubtfully has read in a post or two below. I'm a graduate assistant for the office of student engagement. I will say, I wish it was a teaching position, but there were none open in the departments that I am qualified for. Nonetheless, I start next week, and I am so very excited because my boss seems amazing and also, like me, is from Texas--which is something I don't try to advertise anymore.
It's 1158pm and it's "supposed" to snow tomorrow. I, like the rest of the student body, is hoping that campus will be closed tomorrow. I, myself, especially since I have only gotten half way through my readings for my seminar, that I will have to read regardless of class being cancelled as I have to write a 1000 word response. Ah fun.
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