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Friday, February 21, 2020

How can I want to drop out already?

I don't want to drop out of school. The title is misleading. I want to drop out of my program. My initial thought process when I was choosing a graduate program was that I didn't want to be boxed into one thing. English is great and there are three big camps that fall into it: English literature, Composition and Rhetoric, and Creative Writing (which arguably could be its own entity). I chose neither of the three even though my undergraduate degree is in English. Instead, I chose Liberal Studies because I thought it was giving me the freedom to study what I wanted and what I am interested and I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue a Master's in English.

Now, I am only in week 6 of school--of the program--of the semester--of grad school--who is to say that I am not writing it off too quickly? I think I am, but I think I needed this to realize that my home is back with all the nerds in the English camp. I am so uninterested in my classes, particularly one, and it just doesn't make my heart happy or make me want to learn the way my English classes do.  I feel like my skillset is not being utilized in what I am doing right now. I am reading and writing about other civilizations and cultures that I am not interested and this I not what I want to study in the long run. My skillset could be used somewhere else where it is useful and where I can showcase my talent and hone my skills.

How did I realize this? I desperately want to drop my seminar that I am taking. The content bores me, it doesn't challenge me the way I want to be challenged, even though I have an A in the class right now, I am struggling--it takes me so much longer than necessary to do the work that is needed to be done, and frankly, I don't want to do the work. This seminar is a core class needed for my program though, if I drop it, I'll have to take it again in the future, albeit, different (hopefully) content--but even then, I don't want to take a class about Early Civilizations and evaluate Italian art--it is jut not what I want to study--and that's when I realized, I am in the wrong program!

In a way, I am annoyed with myself for giving myself the trouble of having to switch programs. Now I have to go to the advisor of the new program and take to them about it and then go to the graduate school dean and complete paperwork. It's easier in a sense because I am switching programs within my school and it's my first semester (better now than later because that would really screw things up) instead of starting over at a new program at a new school where the credits I am taking now would be worthless. Let me just say this, either way if I switch, I am still going to drop the class.

The plan is now to meet with the advisor for the Composition and Rhetoric program and hopefully all will go well.


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