Academia in the Pandemic

Too much has happened since I last wrote. The world has been turned upside down and life feels like we are living on Mars since the world shut down. In short, I've switched graduate programs, so in other words, none of the classes I am taking this semester don't count. ALSO, I have to take Spanish, again. It's been five years, and it won't even count for graduation hours.

School has been busy. I finished a 20 page rough draft and turned it in for feed back, but it needs to be a little longer still. Now, I have to work on paper two, but I have no motivation to work on it even though it's due next week--motivation will hit next Monday for sure.

I'm honestly too lazy to write. My mental health is out of the window, and I hate sitting in my apartment writing, but I can't leave because all of the parks and cafes are closed.

aaaaAAAaAAh.

How can I want to drop out already?

I don't want to drop out of school. The title is misleading. I want to drop out of my program. My initial thought process when I was choosing a graduate program was that I didn't want to be boxed into one thing. English is great and there are three big camps that fall into it: English literature, Composition and Rhetoric, and Creative Writing (which arguably could be its own entity). I chose neither of the three even though my undergraduate degree is in English. Instead, I chose Liberal Studies because I thought it was giving me the freedom to study what I wanted and what I am interested and I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue a Master's in English.

Now, I am only in week 6 of school--of the program--of the semester--of grad school--who is to say that I am not writing it off too quickly? I think I am, but I think I needed this to realize that my home is back with all the nerds in the English camp. I am so uninterested in my classes, particularly one, and it just doesn't make my heart happy or make me want to learn the way my English classes do.  I feel like my skillset is not being utilized in what I am doing right now. I am reading and writing about other civilizations and cultures that I am not interested and this I not what I want to study in the long run. My skillset could be used somewhere else where it is useful and where I can showcase my talent and hone my skills.

How did I realize this? I desperately want to drop my seminar that I am taking. The content bores me, it doesn't challenge me the way I want to be challenged, even though I have an A in the class right now, I am struggling--it takes me so much longer than necessary to do the work that is needed to be done, and frankly, I don't want to do the work. This seminar is a core class needed for my program though, if I drop it, I'll have to take it again in the future, albeit, different (hopefully) content--but even then, I don't want to take a class about Early Civilizations and evaluate Italian art--it is jut not what I want to study--and that's when I realized, I am in the wrong program!

In a way, I am annoyed with myself for giving myself the trouble of having to switch programs. Now I have to go to the advisor of the new program and take to them about it and then go to the graduate school dean and complete paperwork. It's easier in a sense because I am switching programs within my school and it's my first semester (better now than later because that would really screw things up) instead of starting over at a new program at a new school where the credits I am taking now would be worthless. Let me just say this, either way if I switch, I am still going to drop the class.

The plan is now to meet with the advisor for the Composition and Rhetoric program and hopefully all will go well.

All's well that ends well

Graduate school, might I say is harder than I expected, in different ways than I thought it was. Now, I never underestimated the work that comes with the daunting phrase "grad school" because I was well aware that the course work was heavy. That being said, the "hard" is different in the way that it's not was I was expecting.

To articulate this thought... I knew there was going to be tons of reading each week for each class, but the articles are so dense that I am reading that I have to read them several times before I can understand what is trying to be said. Another thing, is I know participation is required in every class, but there is so much more that is expected of a graduate student. You have to talk more, you have to be leading class discussions and you have to have an opinion about everything on your subjective feelings or analysis of something--that you may not even care about! I just sometimes am not quick enough on my feet to blurt out everything that I am thinking at the moment--I'll remember or come up with something neat to say when the class is long over.

 I feel as if it's my imposter syndrome coming to get me. These tiny thoughts come to creep in my mind, "you don't deserve to be here" or "you were accepted into this program by mistake"  and they come on a daily basis at that. However, I have come to the realization or rather--the acceptance that I am not an expert on anything--and that's okay! I feel like there is this higher standard that people put graduate students on--at least that is how I felt as an undergrad with grads in my classes, and I feel the same way now. Like I said, the imposter syndrome. I've narrowed this feeling to the fact that for some reason, it was my belief that once someone has obtained their bachelor's, they should be all knowing, therefore smarter than those who have not earned for their degree. However, this proves not to be true as I am just as lost as I was before. No matter-- because all I can do is try my best, which is what I have been doing thus far in the semester because at the moment I have all A's and we shall try to keep it this way--especially since the ideology of "C's get degrees" does not exist in grad school.

Let's forget about all of these unpleasantries that I brought up. Onto bigger and better news! I am employed now! My birthday wish came true--if anyone--doubtfully has read in a post or two below. I'm a graduate assistant for the office of student engagement. I will say, I wish it was a teaching position, but there were none open in the departments that I am qualified for. Nonetheless, I start next week, and I am so very excited because my boss seems amazing and also, like me, is from Texas--which is something I don't try to advertise anymore.

It's 1158pm and it's "supposed" to snow tomorrow. I, like the rest of the student body, is hoping that campus will be closed tomorrow. I, myself, especially since I have only gotten half way through my readings for my seminar, that I will have to read regardless of class being cancelled as I have to write a 1000 word response. Ah fun.

New Year, New City, New Me

The time has come, it's now 2020 and I moved to the Oklahoma City area to start graduate school. I am equally excited and nervous about starting life in a new city. I've already done it 2 times in the past decade, however, so I am not sure why I am so nervous.

I moved to Arkansas for college for the sole purpose of starting over fresh and not knowing the soul. For some reason, it felt more exciting. Maybe because at the time I was a young, eager 18 year old about to embark on this "college experience" in a small college town. I still have the same feelings of uncertainties and worries of living in a new city. However, I am lucky that the area I live in is rather metropolitan instead of rural.

The nerves are probably stemming from the fact that I am moved here and will be living here for the next two years for graduate school--a thought that still scares me because I still have no idea what I will do after, let alone if this is the right choice. I'm also scared because I am afraid that I'll be lonely. For me, it feels like as I've gotten older it's harder to make friends casually. I should probably get a hobby, or something.

However, I am glad that I am in an apartment instead of a musty, old, shoe box dorm. I am in my very own apartment--well, student apartment, but it still counts. I will have to post pictures once I get everything settled, after all I've only been here two days.

Right now, I am job hunting for a graduate assitanship and I've applied for two, and classes start today. AM I NERVOUS OR WHAT?

Nobody likes you when you're 23...

So I've heard anyways.

I had a very low-key birthday this weekend. For one thing, I moved to a new city not knowing a soul, so there are no friends in that department and I wasn't willing to drive all the way to my parent's house.

I ventured out in the city and went to Trader Joe's, in which, the parking was insane. I think I circled the lot 5 times before stealing someone's parking spot that they were waiting for. I wasted an hour of my life, only to find out that what I was looking for (the midsummer's night cream) wasn't even in stock. After, I went toward the boujee place near Lake Hefner where rich people golf and go sailing. I took a book and my journal and spend the afternoon (the windy afternoon) by the lake.

When I woke up this morning, I felt no different than I did from yesterday. Maybe this is what they mean when they say age is just a number. If anything, I think I see more prominent wrinkles on my forehead, which upsets me more than words. Is it terrible to say that even if I was surrounded by friends and family, I wanted to spend the day alone. Being alone sometimes is very therapeutic in a sense of having your own independence. I'm able to have my own thoughts and do things on my own time.

I think as I get older, I don't care so much for birthday cakes, wishes and presents. Is this a sign that you are growing up? Or are people always excited for their birthdays? Maybe I am just growing into an old cynical lady early. If anything, since I am not blowing out any birthday candles tonight, my birthday wish is... wait, can I say it?

2020--New Year

When I first saw this sculpture, I studied the movements and cracks of the hundreds of disfigured bodies that transformed into each other and into different objects becoming something else entirely. Sometimes I feel as if I am constantly turning into different things, or people and personas, and twisting and consistently bending to sometimes suit those around me, or changing myself when I realize I don’t like who I am anymore, which leads to me crack and become a million different people who are incomplete—not knowing if the cracks make me stronger or more vulnerable. I want to take cheap putty and fill these cracks to make myself whole, shiny and new again since I have chipped away pieces of myself for so long trying to create something new. But I’ve come to realize that this power of transformation and renewal in life is what makes up the complexity of the human soul. I have to be okay with the cracks and all of the people I have been in the past and accept that they are a part of me and who I have been. So, I must continue to grow and transform which means I may crack from time to time for my own self actualization in order to become the person I want to be instead of running away from myself when I decide not to like who I am in the moment. 

I can't say I am one of those people who wait all year long in order to start new again--for a fresh start. If someone really wants change, they will change. I think I try to believe in that, but here I am, vowing to change this new year--this new decade, when I could have changed 3 years ago, or 7 months ago. The new decade is kick starting this change, or the change I want. 

When I look in the mirror, I don't like who I see--not in a sense of physical beauty. This is not a situation where I wish I looked different or I don't feel pretty enough--that is another case entirely. This look in the mirror is more of a feeling where I don't like the person I am, who I have become over the past several years that I have not come to terms with. I think I have made very questionable choices for the past decade. At the beginning of the decade I was 12 though--so maybe I should start within the last several years--when I started college. These questionable choices stemmed from me chipping away at myself, molding myself, melting myself down to fit a certain persona--a certain role amongst people. I like to tell myself that I am not a people pleaser, but that sure sounds like I am one. I sometimes make myself feel small around other people in order to make myself feel like I belong. In reality, I should have been just me the entire time. 

I am on the brink of 23. I heard being 23 sucks. No one likes you when you're 23. And yet, here I am about to turn 23, tomorrow. That's the thing about January birthdays, or at least how I feel about them anyways--you get to start fresh with the new year, but also a new you as you turn a year older. Maybe this year, will be my year. 

Dreams Come True

On November 17th, 2019, I was blessed enough to witness The Queen. Not the Queen of England, but the Queen herself, Lizzy Grant, or better known as Lana Del Rey.

It was actually quite the process. I have been obsessed with her since the 10th grade and have followed and listened to her discography since. However, throughout the years of being a young high schooler and broke college student, going to a concert of hers was out of the question. HOWEVER, now as a working girl, I could go!

The hype of the release of her album, the best one yet in my opinion, Norman Fucking Rockwell, I was waiting and waiting for the release playing LFL on repeat until the day the album released. Shockingly enough, when Lana announced her tour dates, she was only going to the west coast, which broke my sad girl heart.

However, near the end of the first leg of her tour, she announced a second leg--one where she would sing to the Midwest where I read "OKC" in small print and OF COURSE I HAD TO GO. Tickets didn't go on sale until October 11th at 10am in which I would be at work. At that moment, I booked a hotel not knowing whether or not I would get a ticket.

As soon as I got to work that day, early at 7:45am, I went and waited on the website and watched until the clock ticked to 9:59am, I kid you not, I literally watched the clock. Luckily, I wasn't with any students so I wasn't disturbed. As soon as it was 10, I purchased the tickets and it took a total of 3 minutes to get them. I bought two since I was paying for my sisters tickets and myself separate. I went off to reload the site to buy my ticket, AND I WAS IN LINE BEHIND 2000 PEOPLE. It was only 10:04am and then the tickets were sold out. Sad day because we were one ticket short and my younger sister couldn't go anymore.

Tickets were general admission ($49, I think) and VIP ($175, I think) and people were reselling them for twice as much! It was insane that I even got tickets.

Fast forward to the day of, I ventured off to Oklahoma City and people were already camped out. Now, I wanted to stand in line at 3pm, but my sister didn't want to go until AN HOUR before the show. I don't think so. We went about two hours before the show and we were still about a block down from the venue, so it wasn't too bad. Doors didn't open for anyone until 7:30pm and we got in about 7:45ish and waited for the opener which was Robert Ellis aka The Texan Piano Man, who had a wonderful voice and skill on both guitar and piano, yet terrible a terrible craft at song writing.

Lana didn't go on until nearly 9:15 where I nearly lost my shit. I feel like I've only been to shows where it is such a big arena and I end up watching the screen the entire night instead of the actual person, so seeing her didn't even feel real.

She opened with Norman Fucking Rockwell. And she sounded even better live, contrary to popular belief.

I am trying to upload all of my videos on youtube. 

I am a little bit sad that she only played a couple of songs from NFR. She did a lot of her oldies, a ton from the UV era and BTD, which I love, but NFR is by far my favorite out of all of them (it's hard to put the albums on a scale). Ugh, but it was the most perfect night, ever.

Updates on post-grad life...

I got an email the other day stating that I need to start making payments to my school loans...joy. Too bad, what they don't know is that I am going back to school.

Maybe if you are a believer in the fates and destiny or God--perhaps all of the stars aligned for once in my life. I was accepted into the graduate school that I applied to, my first choice. I applied truly on a whim in the middle of the night during an existential crisis that was keeping me up. I would like to believe I got in with my own merit though, give me a little bit of credit. Grad schools are tough to get into. 

The very same night that I found out I got in, I applied for housing. The school I applied for has housing for graduate students, so I sent in my application for a two-bedroom apartment that is on the edge of campus. I must say, I enjoy living on campus as nerdy or dorky as that sounds. I lived on campus all four years of undergrad, and I enjoyed it. I think I am just a nerd and I like the academic atmosphere that it provides. Plus, living on campus provides easier access for all things especially when your college is in a small atypical college town. The campus for grad school has more of a suburban setting and I am so freaking excited--there is a Target around the corner. No more going all the way to Little Rock for decent shopping centers. 

Speaking of Little Rock and Arkansas in general, I suppose I could have applied to grad school where I received my undergrad, but I decided against it. For one, I like change and I feel like I am in constant need of it. As much as I loved Arkansas, I wanted something different and a little more urbanized. Second, it's a little closer to home. When I was applying for undergrad schools, I was looked at schools at least 300 miles away from home. Far, but close enough. This time school is only an hour and thirty minutes away compared to three hours away. 

I am both excited and terrified at my decision for the impending stress that awaits me for the next two years of my life, but I feel like it is the most logical and correct step for me to take as I have no idea what else to do. So, in January, prepare to hear me complain!

Today, I did look at the graduate course catalog... and oh my god, there are so many classes to choose from. I want to take them all. I think I keep forgetting that I my program isn't under the English department, but the humanities department, which is its own entity. I've narrowed down my class choices to:

• Rome: Scandals and Saints (required class for curriculum)
• Advanced Film Criticism (not sure what the content is, but this class is required for curriculum.)

But now I am trying to decide between an elective... History of the English Language or Chaucer, both of which sound equally amazing. However, I did take Chaucer as an undergrad course, I would like to take it again as a graduate course, but I am not sure if I want to put myself through the torture again, even though I love the Canterbury Tales. UGH. Decisions, nerdy decisions. 

On more important life events in my post grad life...

• I finally purchased my dream car. 
• Work is in full swing, as the semester is in full swing. I have very busy days helping a range or smart and clueless college students
• Today, I am going back to work at another job, just to make some extra cash to save for school

The idea of continuing my education is such a daunting decision and I am scared for my life. However, it feels like the most realistic, natural, and right choice for myself right now. 

Finally getting my shit together...

Amidst all of the chaos in my life, I have finally landed a job. It's been about a month since my post that complained about the world being unfair, entry-level jobs, and me being annoying. But it seems that I am finally getting my shit together, or at least somewhat together.

I am officially a Writing Specialist at a local community college, which is the official title, but I am honestly just a glorified tutor for college-level education. I really truly must love living my life in semesters. This is my third week on the job and so far, I love it. What I do is help college kids write their essays. They make an appointment with me or whoever is here, and I help them with the writing process. I also am in charge of holding orientations and workshops on specialized topics--which is exciting. I must say, this is the first job that I have that I actually love and enjoy working at. To me, it's so fulfilling. During my undergrad, being an English major, I was--or rather still am the resident go-to for the "help me edit my paper!" or "can you fix it?" I gladly accepted these tasks from my friends because writing papers are my forte... yet I still struggle with my own writing. How funny, I love and help people write their paper's with no issue, but I feel an ever-growing sense of doom headed my way when I must write my own papers.

September was the busiest and most intense month by far this year. There is so much going on in my personal life and family and work. However, I've pushed through! It's October (already)! Needless to say, I think I love working in academia. Everyone around you is so smart, it makes you want to be just as smart. I'm just glad I am not faces the stressors of college this semester ;)

How to be a Beis-ic Betch

Summer is over which means my summer traveling is over. I feel like I owe this brand a review since I've been talking about it non-stop. Over the summer, I was lucky enough to travel pretty much all summer. The FBI agent watching me through my camera on my cellphone knew this and thus sent me numerous ads about travel gear. Naturally, I came across Shay Mitchell's new travel line since she was coming out with her summer line--and the stars all aligned. I was searching for a plain black weekender type of bag and she had one! Initially, I was hesitant in buying this bag because it was a little pricey for me, luckily I bought it when I did since the price is steadily increasing as the brand is gaining more popularity,                                                                                             I did decide on buying the Dopp Kitt and the Cosmetic case as I was also looking for a new toiletry bag and makeup bag. Something about the aesthetic drew me to this brand. For one, the products are plain but also still stylish and they are functional. Having matching luggage makes someone look a little more put together. When I see someone at the airport who has all matching everything, it makes me a little jealous of them because they look so put together. Unlike me, in recent years who just uses whatever bag suits me at the moment. One thing that annoyed me about the bag was that it came with a missing foot (the little thing on the bottom) so I had to email them. Beis customer service offered to send me a replacement, but I opted out and they sent me a partial refund since I wanted to use the bag ASAP on my weekend trip to Denver. 

This is the youtube video I watched that sold me on the bag. 

The Weekender. I opted for black over the nude colors because I am a mess, therefore I make a mess, constantly. I read reviews online about how big the weekender is and blah, blah, blah. Yes, it is big. The thing is bulky and huge. 9/10 times, you will have to use this as your carry on while flying--and let me tell you something... don't. I brought my weekender to London with me this summer. I flew from Tulsa to Dallas to Little Rock (to meet with my group) then from Little Rock to Dallas to London and then dragged my luggage and weekender from Heathrow to the train station to Paddington station, to the tube to get to Baker Street, down the block, through Regents Park to the university--and let me tell you something, not fun. 

While the bag is functional and cute and roomy--the bag is a bitch to carry. The bag can fit so much stuff, but when packing, I needed to be wary because the bag gets heavy quickly. The straps are uncomfortable and left bruises on my shoulders when I had to carry it by hand through the airport connections. My only saving grace was the trolley sleeve so that when I was walking in pure sweat through the streets of London I could rest the bag on my case. Aside from the trolley sleeve, the shoe compartment on the bottom is nice, too. It's saved me a couple of pounds by placing my shoes in there rather than my case since it weighed 48 pounds when I checked it in at the counter. The only thing that annoyed me about the shoe compartment was that if the compartment wasn't full, the bag is going to sink in, which makes it look frumpy. I should have kept the cardboard that came with it so that it would also sit-up. 

When I came back from London (flying from LR to Dallas since my ticket was from London to LR since I went with school, and then flying back home) I gate checked my weekender so I didn't have to worry about carrying it through DFW when I had to run to my connection. From now on, I think I will only use the weekender as an actual weekend bag when staying somewhere in town, going to a friend's or just a weekend trip. Never will this bag of mine see another airport again. 

But really truly, I love the bag. The bag fits my aesthetic and it is functional when I use it the right way. I think it is just trial and error to see if it works for you. I think these are just my complaints about when I took the bag abroad, other than that, it's an awesome bag. 

The Cosmetic Case. The cosmetic case is a game-changer. I've been looking for a makeup bag that has a handle and that can also fit my makeup brushed. It is an added plus that a mirror is included. What I love about it is the magnetic brush holder. It can easily pop in and out, so there is no constant flipping to get into your makeup bag.  I also love the full-size mirror that the bag comes with so when I'm traveling I don't have to use a little compact mirror or rely on the bad bathroom lighting. I think the idea and execution of this makeup bag are great--I've gone through so many makeup bags because I am so particular. AND it fits so much! 

The only thing I didn't like was that it loses its shape when it is squished in your luggage or bag. I put the case in my weekender while in the airport and the case squished and left creases, but maybe that's because it wasn't filled all the way and it was rather empty. 

The Dopp Kit. The days of using plastic bags as a toiletry bag are over!  I never knew there was an actual term for this bag--it's called a Dopp kit. This bag also has a compartment underneath the bag which comes in handy. I think I just have too many skincare products so it doesn't quite fit everything for me. I do like the concept of the bag, it's similar to the weekender with the wireframe so it opens up all the way. 

The Backpack. I haven't used the backpack yet, but I bought it anyway because I wanted my things to match. I wanted to find an alternative to the weekender for the airport and the backpack also comes with a trolley sleeve. A big plus for me was that the backpack can be used as a personal item and not a carry-on like the weekender. Now I can use my hand-luggage and my backpack together.                                                                                                                                             The backpack looks rather simple. It doesn't have all the crazy zippers and compartments that the backpacks I usually use, which is nice. It has a front pouch, a main pouch and a laptop sleeve with padding. I'm going through this thing where I am only into boring and simplistic things, as I have been told. So while I can't say what I love and hate while using the bag, I am excited to use the bag in the future whether it is for traveling or for school. 

So, that's it. That is my review of my Beis products. I am lucky enough to have bought them pretty early on when they were affordable (to my standards). Every time I go back and check the website, the prices are creepily going up. I think the prices have gone up at least by $20 from the prices that I bought my bags. In general, I think it takes a lot to invest in things like this. I think it's considered a luxury item to have and I question why I am spending my money on these products. But I thought about it and I am spending my money on where I am spending my time. I'm using the items regularly (as of now) so when you break down the cost, it's worth the cost. 

In conclusion, I recommend Beis for people who are looking to invest in new luggage. I think that Shay Mitchell has put a lot of effort into the functionality of these products and they have paid off. 

On a side note: Shay Mitchell liked my Instagram posts when I posted about using the weekender, which is exciting to me, lol. Shay Mitchell, if you're reading this, sponsor me ;-)